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Monday, June 18, 2012

Happy First Fathers day. A letter to Derek


Dear Derek,

I will never forget the moment I found out I was going to be a mommy. It was nerve wracking to say the least, and a dream come true to say the most. While completely unexpected, having Zyana-Lee was the single most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me.
I remember just feeling like something inside of me was different. I knew I was pregnant. My day ended at work and I rushed on the freeway to hurry home, my gut feeling told me something was different.  I couldn’t help myself so I pulled into Target, rushing I went and bought a pregnancy test really hoping that it showed pregnant; and petrified at the same time thinking this cannot be happening to me! I got home, did the test, anxiously waiting.  It was positive.  For sure I thought the test was broken.  As I shook the thing hoping it would take one line away, I remembered I had another test.  15 mins later I took the other test. At 5:20 PM and at 5:45 PM on January 17th, 2012 it was confirmed, I was pregnant.
I was so scared.  I was home alone.  You were at the gym, I called you in a panic telling you, “you need to come home.”  You came home, Vanessa and you were both in the kitchen and I broke the news to you and Vanessa at the same time.  I can clearly remember the look on your face, your face said, “oh Crap.”  After about 5 minutes of bare silence from you, you said everything is going to be okay.
The next months were spent pouring over baby books and deciding on names.  I wanted Zachariah or Ezekiel you wanted Robert, a girl name clearly never occurred to us.   It was about that time when we were going to find out the sex of the baby.  We were expecting a boy, when the technician told us that she saw 3 little lines my heart just about broke.  We were having a girl.
The day that Zyana-Lee was born you transformed into the most amazing father. You were there right from the start. I saw tears in your eyes as you held your daughter for the first time. And you were eager to learn the basics, even changing the first diaper. Not only were you there for her, but you were there for me. For everything I needed, you stood by me and helped me through it all.
I remember clearly our exhausted nights, crying as I pumped and nursed at 3 am. You took Zyana- Lee and fed her bottles, changed her diapers, and encouraged me to continue what I was doing. Your encouragement for everything I do is amazing. You are my rock when I feel like falling apart.
We are raising a beautiful gorgeous 9 month old baby.  I could not be happier sharing this parenting journey with you. When I have needed you, you are there. When you need me, I am there for you.  So far we’ve fought diaper rashes, high fevers, endless tiresome nights, and a whiny teething baby. We continue to do so and you continue to amaze me. Seeing the way you and Zyana-Lee laugh and play together is so beautiful. It brings tears to my eyes to see how much our daughter loves you. Her little eyes light up second you walk through the door
You are a true blessing to our family. You work so hard to provide for us and only ask for love in return. You teach us gratitude every day. You mean the world to us. And we love you to the ends of the universe and back. Parenting with you is a true joy. We are such a good team, Derek.

WE love you,

Bernadette & Zyana

Happy first Fathers Day 2012

Love Story Part 3

We are now back in California. Living separately.. Our plan was to get an apartment together and we began looking. So we get an apartment, we move in together. It was so strange. I have never lived with a male, let alone my dad. The toilet seat was left us, combat boots by the front door and camis laying everywhere, but I loved it. We were married and that's what mattered. I was wrong and still my parents had NO idea we were married, let alone living together. Christmas time was here. Derek was on leave and I took vacation so we could visit Arizona. And we did, yet again everyone questioned my now 2 rings. Again I was still denying the fact that was married. Christmas is now over and my parents were planning to visit. They had NO idea that Derek and I were EVEN LIVING TOGETHER! I felt like I was living a lie, and I was.
 
Now onto the part of telling my parents. My parents arrived to California bringing me all my furniture from home. I knew it was time to reveal to my parents that we were in fact already married. My heart was torn I knew that I was going to break their hearts. They finally arrived in the evening time. We had dinner and we were all conversing.. My dad bluntly asked us, "Are you married?" my head immediately fell down cast, he somehow already knew. And when my dad asked this, Derek smiled and said, "Do want the truth or a lie?" of course my dad wants the truth! And Derek proceeding to tell him that we were in fact married. My mom soon began to cry and my dad said OK, he didn't look mad but I knew his heart hurt. The remaining weekend they were there seemed very odd, my mother was distant was crying at random moments throughout the day. My dad was okay. It was a weird feeling. I felt like I betrayed them and their trust. I was lying this whole time to them. After the weekend they departed back to Arizona and Derek and I were on Pre-Deployment mode. He was leaving me en route for his first deployment. I was sad and depressed at the same time, we were newlyweds and he was leaving me three months after getting married.
 
It was now D-Day time. It was a sad day, I didn't think that I had anymore tears to cry, my eyes hurt, my head pounded and most of all I was heartbroken. My husband was leaving me. Then, he was gone. My whole heart left, just like that. What was I supposed to do? I was so consumed in my husband that I forgot and lost my first love Jesus Christ. This whole time I was leaning on my husband when I should have been depending on Christ. It was a lessened learned.
 
I soon got my act in order and got back to that place I needed to be in God. It was reassuring. I knew that God placed Derek in my life for that purpose, to be my husband. In spite of everything that we did wrong along the way, we fixed it. I believe that we went through everything we did to get to where we are today. Marrying a ungodly man who you "think you can change" doesn't work all the time. I put my whole faith in Christ and he made a way and SAVED MY HUSBAND from the INSIDE OUT!  
Our marriage is such a tremendous and wonderful gift from God! It has blessed my life in ways that I could never explain. I believe it has been so wonderful because I was already completely and utterly satisfied in my relationship with the Lord, and thus my relationship with Derek and our marriage has become about the glory of God, not about each other. Instead of finding fulfillment in Derek I found in him an incredible gift from God that daily turns my attentions back toward Jesus. I love that our God is a jealous God. He longs so much for our affections that He won’t give us anything that will threaten His place in our hearts. The more we desire a guy, the more reason it gives Him not to give it to us, because we are tempted to be more satisfied with the guy than with Him.
 
I am doing LIFE with this man. This is the man that God created especially FOR ME. And I am so grateful that he is just that. In spite of his flaws I love him, I am so in love with him. We argue, we have heated conversations (fights) but we love each other. :D

 
If you are discouraged today because God has not brought "the one" yet, may I challenge you to stop waiting on the Lord to bring you a guy and realize that you are already a bride! You are the Bride of Christ! The title "bride" implies there is a wedding to come. Without the wedding, there would be no bride. Don’t let your heart be distracted by from Jesus, your groom. It is easy to let lesser lovers take His place, so be ready to always cast them away and pursue Jesus. We have an incredible wedding feast to look forward to: the day we are united with Christ. He is our first love and he is waiting to hear from you day in and day out. His thoughts for you outnumber the grains of sand and He has numbered all the hairs on your head! The Lord will be faithful to give you the great love story that you desire, just know that it won’t be found in a man, but in Jesus! Trust in the promises of God, for He who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23).
 

Love story part 2

Derek and I met in 2004. 
We both had our very first jobs there. I was a team leader and he was just a regular employee. I started to become friends with this guy and he was quite annoying. He did this thing with his hair and he would throw it to the side, like Prince Charming from the Shrek movie. Yes, he did that and he would also go around saying, "I look good."and "woo" I could not stand him.
 Any time I saw my schedule and saw that we were working together I would always make the attempt to get switched to a different position. I did not like him at all and never saw this dude as husband material. I think it was because we were young and both innocent. In 2004 I graduated high school and it was time for me to start looking for another job. According to my father working for Harkins theater past high school was a "kiddie job." My dad forced me to find another one. So in March of 2005 I resigned from Harkins and pursued a new position with Bank of America. I soon forgot about working for Harkins, but I did not forget about my friends. Derek was still working at Harkins and in December of 2005 Derek joined the United States Navy and I was still at Bank of America. 
I soon began dating a guy we'll call Jake. Jake and I dated on and off for two years; it was never really solid with us. But it was cool. At this time we are now in 2007and MySpace was HUGE! One day on MySpace I was searching for friends and I happen to come across Derek's MySpace profile. I figured, "what the heck let me add this guy." We soon became MySpace friends and we really hit it off. We talked daily, I had ended it with Jake and Derek just ended a year long engagement with his ex-fiance. Yes he was previously engaged, no we were not dating; we just became really good friends. We grew up, it wasn't like the old days of him annoying me, he he. My 21st birthday was coming up and Derek was stationed in San Diego at the time he had invited to me to come out for my 21st birthday weekend, and I did. It was the first time that I was going to be seeing him in three years,I wasn't sure what to expect. I'm not going to lie, I saw pictures of Derek.. he definitely wasn't a teenager anymore, he was a man, a man in uniform at that.. it was SEXY. 
As much as I hate to admit this I began loosing my focus and trust in God, but as the story continues God STILL had his way even while we were disobedient.So it was the weekend of my birthday, November 3rd, 2007. 
 I arrive at San Diego Airport around 8 PM. My first thought was, "what the heck am I doing here?". He calls, he's waiting. Alright, got my luggage. And I see him. Wow. He looked way more sexy in person. His smile, that smile melted my heart and still does even when he looks at me that certain way. I get in the car and we are on our way. It didn't even seem like we didn't see each other for years. It felt completely normal.. almost like we picked up where we last left off. That weekend set it off. I instantly fell for him. It was amazing. Leaving him and heading back home sucked, I wasn't sure how long it was going to be before I'd see him again. Luckily, he was only 4 hours away so he'd drive down and I'd fly there. It was any chance we got, we HAD to see each other. It was official, we were dating. 
Here's where things got off track. Derek and I were dating. I was now "trying" to be a Christian and Derek was unsaved... in the worlds terms, he didn't serve God. Fast forwarding to 2008. I am still in Phoenix at this time, I finished with community college and I was still at the bank and Derek was still in the Navy.. Soon it was time for him to choose a base. I believe in his heart he wanted to be in Hawaii or Spain. I wanted him here. I was not ready for us to have that long of a long distant relationship, because it was already hard. Well his choice was to switch from "blue" to "green" meaning he was going to be stationed with Marines. He choose Camp Pendleton, California and soon after he began training, "field med" training to be exact. At the time I didn't realize what the training was going to be used for but now it makes sense to me. He was going to war, we didn't know when or where but at the time it didn't matter. He graduated Field medical training in May of 2008. And I had made my mind up that I was moving to California, really not putting much thought into it, I wanted to be with him. It just didn't matter to me. 
Now we are in September 2008, September 9th 2008 to be exact was the day I picked up and moved my whole life to San Clemente/Capistrano Beach CA. I was so scared. At this time my parents only met Derek once, they heard about him and knew I liked him but they had no idea our intentions. I moved in with a relative, and transferred jobs for Bank of America out to California and I was registered for school. I was set. Things were good. It was so awesome seeing him everyday. Everyday we were together. Things began getting serious. This whole time I was in heaven being with him that I overlooked one thing. Derek was preparing to leave me. I really didn't know what I got myself into.. and this whole time I was questioning myself, "did I make a mistake moving here?
This point in my life I was lost. I did not know what I was doing and I felt like I didn't know who I was. I lost complete control in trusting God, I am guilty of being completely disobedient to what God had for my life. One day Derek and I went to a local mall, and he bought me a wedding ring set. We were going to get married. We briefly talked about it. We were going to get married.
We are now in November, It was going to be Thanksgiving. Me and Derek were going to Arizona to visit. It was a Wednesday night, I believe the 26th we were on our way. I had such a hard day, it was pouring rain and I really didn't feel like driving. After work I was meeting Derek, we were taking two cars. I ran out of gas on base and everything was closed. Derek came and got me. Got gas, and I ended up falling down in a huge puddle of muddy water. I was a hot mess. I did not want to drive to Arizona that night, I wanted to rest. While crying, Derek was filling up the gas on the side of the mountain on base, we were stranded. As I sit in the car crying cause I am soaking wet Derek opens the door. He gets down on one knee, in the pouring rain, on the side of the road inclined on a mountain and asks me to be his wife. I had to ask myself, Lord, is this from you? Please let me know if this is from you.” And following that prayer was the most tremendous feeling of peace and reassurance that I have experienced only from God. It’s as if God said audibly to me, “I want you to do life with this man.” My day was made. and off we went to Arizona.
The next day was Thanksgiving. We spent the holiday separated, he was with his family I was with mine. I was wearing my engagement ring and everyone in my family questioned me. I have to admit this, I lied and told them that it was nothing. The next day is Friday November 28th, 2008. A spare the moment choice, Derek and I ran off and got married. Not any of our family was present. But we loved each other and at the time that is all that mattered. We kept silence and only told his dad. I was so scared to tell my parents I wanted to keep in to ourselves forever. I was devastated that my family wasn't there (even though it was my choice.)
 


Love story part 1

Today I've been thinking a lot about my husband. about the fact that I am in complete awe of how God makes a way for things. Even in spite of when we see something, God turns the whole situation around. Lately my husband and I have been crazy busy and it seems as though time is still moving fast forward. I looked at our calender and this month is full of things that involve our part in the ministry. Derek and I are doing the entire sermon at church the last Sunday of June, myself and another Pastor are tag teaming the story of Deborah for the women's meeting this month and Derek is hosting the monthly men's meeting at our home, also the last Sunday of June. Meaning this month Derek and I are going to be spending a lot of time studying the Word of God together... which actually makes me happy because Derek is so intellectual when it comes to the Bible that he is so in-depth I feel like he is on a completely different learning level with the Bible.. which is fine by me. I'm so amazed to see God working, molding and doing a complete new thing in my husbands life. Even though the complaining sometimes comes a goes about how busy he is I know that God has got EVERYTHING IN CONTROL. Aside from everything I am beyond thankful for the Man of God that my husband is and continues to be. I find myself falling more and more in love with this man. Today I found myself dwelling on the past and how we met.

  So here goes our "love story:"

  It seems as though most Christian girls are "I was and am waiting for God to bring me my husband, my perfect man" (Of course he wouldn't be perfect, but just about perfect, well at least perfect for you.) A few perspective guys came in and out of my life throughout high school and college and I almost thought for a moment that one of the guys I was dating was "thee one" boy I was wrong. I considered guys and contemplated if this was the only thing that I was seriously waiting for. I liked this guy, I spent time analyzing whether or not that he could be the one, had lots of dates, phone calls and good times but at some point in the relationship I had with this guy I realized that he could not be the one I was waiting for and then I ended the relationship. The cycle of being in a relationship with him was dissatisfying and disappointing.   Finally, in 2006, God had revealed to the error to my prayer of waiting on HIM to bring me my husband. (Oh, God, he is surely a funny one)

 "I'm waiting on God to bring me my husband."   

Is there anything wrong with this statement? It might not seem like it. It is good and right to wait on God’s timing concerning marriage and dating instead of trying to do things in our own way. But if that is the ONLY THING that we are waiting on, we have an incorrect perspective.   Think about it... What are you more excited about: Jesus Christ or your future husband? God has and will never be designed to simply be the means for us to receive things. God wants us to BE OUR EVERYTHING. I finally became content knowing that whenever God was ready I was ready but in the meantime I wanted to soak up God like NEVER before. I was still living at home, still going to Jr college and had a good steady job.. at this point in time dating wasn't even in my vocabulary.  

In Hosea 2:16, God speaks to His people saying, "And it shall be, in that day, says the Lord, "That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’ And no longer call Me ‘My Master.’" One of the most common reasons that we, as Christian women, long for marriage and relationships more than God is because we don’t know how to fall in love with God.

 We were created to be in a passionate, consuming, and loving relationship; this is why our hearts long for it. So when we do not experience this fulfilling relationship in God, we naturally look for it in other things: usually in a relationship here on earth. This is a terrible situation, because our GREATEST commandment is to "love the Lord you God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul, and all your strength" (Mark 12:29-30)! Not simply to put God first in your daily activities, but LOVE HIM PASSIONATELY! What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? To love someone with all your mental capacity? To love someone with your whole being? With all the strength that you have within you? That is a passionate love!

Unfortunately, I have found that the majority of girls I talk to have never experienced this kind of love for God. They know how to please God, how to do the things that He wants them to do, how to look like they are passionate about Him, but their hearts are set on something they perceive to be more passionate. We need to repent and surrender this idol we have made.   So what do we as women do with how our heart is?


We must repent: turn from that which has become our heart’s desire and return to the loving arms of our savior. The process is two-fold: surrendering what has taken God’s place and then returning to and falling in love with the person of God:our first love. Christ was my first love, even though I am guilty of having forgotten Him. My mind got so wrapped in the idea of being married and starting a family that I truly lost focus of what God had planned for my life .My struggle to allow God to be in control of this area of my life was not easy. The thought of surrendering this to God seemed impossible. I was scared of not being in control. Because our hearts are so fragile, it is hard to let someone else have complete control. Although we know the Lord knows us inside and out
(Psalm 139:1-6, 13-16), He’s always been faithful (Psalm 89:8, 2 Tim 2:13), and He works everything out for our good (Romans 8:28), it is still hard to completely give up control. But just because it’s hard or scary, doesn't mean we shouldn't do it anyway.
Boy I wanted to be in control of every situation that involved my future husband. I was so concerned and mind wrapped on ever characteristic.  I laid everything out to Christ, down to what he would look like. How we would meet, maybe we could be friends first then see how it goes then maybe get married, go to school together, how he would propose, how long we would be engaged, you know things that women think about. Yes, I had thought through it that much.

The final thing I longed to pray was, "LORD, if you don’t even want me to have a husband, then that’s OK. And if you do, then you decide who, bring him about whenever you want and however you want to. I don’t care any more. All I want is you." That statement, "I don’t care anymore" was a hard thing to finally be able to say truthfully, because, honestly, I did care a whole lot. I looked forward to meeting my husband, dating him, and marrying him a lot more than I looked forward to growing closer to and falling more in love with Jesus. However, being able to say, "I don’t care anymore" was the beginning of my freedom.

I finally allowed God to be in control, and it was so rewarding. The relief of letting go and letting God have his way in my life was a beautiful new chapter in my life.