Today I've been thinking a lot about my husband. about the fact that I am in complete awe of how God makes a way for things. Even in spite of when we see something, God turns the whole situation around. Lately my husband and I have been crazy busy and it seems as though time is still moving fast forward. I looked at our calender and this month is full of things that involve our part in the ministry. Derek and I are doing the entire sermon at church the last Sunday of June, myself and another Pastor are tag teaming the story of Deborah for the women's meeting this month and Derek is hosting the monthly men's meeting at our home, also the last Sunday of June. Meaning this month Derek and I are going to be spending a lot of time studying the Word of God together... which actually makes me happy because Derek is so intellectual when it comes to the Bible that he is so in-depth I feel like he is on a completely different learning level with the Bible.. which is fine by me. I'm so amazed to see God working, molding and doing a complete new thing in my husbands life. Even though the complaining sometimes comes a goes about how busy he is I know that God has got EVERYTHING IN CONTROL. Aside from everything I am beyond thankful for the Man of God that my husband is and continues to be. I find myself falling more and more in love with this man. Today I found myself dwelling on the past and how we met.
So here goes our "love story:"
It seems as though most Christian girls are "I was and am waiting for God to bring me my husband, my perfect man" (Of course he wouldn't be perfect, but just about perfect, well at least perfect for you.) A few perspective guys came in and out of my life throughout high school and college and I almost thought for a moment that one of the guys I was dating was "thee one" boy I was wrong. I considered guys and contemplated if this was the only thing that I was seriously waiting for. I liked this guy, I spent time analyzing whether or not that he could be the one, had lots of dates, phone calls and good times but at some point in the relationship I had with this guy I realized that he could not be the one I was waiting for and then I ended the relationship. The cycle of being in a relationship with him was dissatisfying and disappointing.
Finally, in 2006, God had revealed to the error to my prayer of waiting on HIM to bring me my husband. (Oh, God, he is surely a funny one)
"I'm waiting on God to bring me my husband."
Is there anything wrong with this statement? It might not seem like it. It is good and right to wait on God’s timing concerning marriage and dating instead of trying to do things in our own way. But if that is the ONLY THING that we are waiting on, we have an incorrect perspective.
Think about it... What are you more excited about: Jesus Christ or your future husband? God has and will never be designed to simply be the means for us to receive things. God wants us to BE OUR EVERYTHING. I finally became content knowing that whenever God was ready I was ready but in the meantime I wanted to soak up God like NEVER before. I was still living at home, still going to Jr college and had a good steady job.. at this point in time dating wasn't even in my vocabulary.
In Hosea 2:16, God speaks to His people saying, "And it shall be, in that day, says the Lord, "That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’ And no longer call Me ‘My Master.’" One of the most common reasons that we, as Christian women, long for marriage and relationships more than God is because we don’t know how to fall in love with God.
We were created to be in a passionate, consuming, and loving relationship; this is why our hearts long for it. So when we do not experience this fulfilling relationship in God, we naturally look for it in other things: usually in a relationship here on earth. This is a terrible situation, because our GREATEST commandment is to "love the Lord you God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul, and all your strength" (Mark 12:29-30)! Not simply to put God first in your daily activities, but LOVE HIM PASSIONATELY! What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? To love someone with all your mental capacity? To love someone with your whole being? With all the strength that you have within you? That is a passionate love!
Unfortunately, I have found that the majority of girls I talk to have never experienced this kind of love for God. They know how to please God, how to do the things that He wants them to do, how to look like they are passionate about Him, but their hearts are set on something they perceive to be more passionate. We need to repent and surrender this idol we have made.
So what do we as women do with how our heart is?
We must repent: turn from that which has become our heart’s desire and return to the loving arms of our savior. The process is two-fold: surrendering what has taken God’s place and then returning to and falling in love with the person of God:our first love.
Christ was my first love, even though I am guilty of having forgotten Him. My mind got so wrapped in the idea of being married and starting a family that I truly lost focus of what God had planned for my life .My struggle to allow God to be in control of this area of my life was not easy. The thought of surrendering this to God seemed impossible. I was scared of not being in control. Because our hearts are so fragile, it is hard to let someone else have complete control. Although we know the Lord knows us inside and out
(Psalm 139:1-6, 13-16), He’s always been faithful (Psalm 89:8, 2 Tim 2:13), and He works everything out for our good (Romans 8:28), it is still hard to completely give up control. But just because it’s hard or scary, doesn't mean we shouldn't do it anyway.
Boy I wanted to be in control of every situation that involved my future husband. I was so concerned and mind wrapped on ever characteristic. I laid everything out to Christ, down to what he would look like. How we would meet, maybe we could be friends first then see how it goes then maybe get married, go to school together, how he would propose, how long we would be engaged, you know things that women think about. Yes, I had thought through it that much.
The final thing I longed to pray was, "LORD, if you don’t even want me to have a husband, then that’s OK. And if you do, then you decide who, bring him about whenever you want and however you want to. I don’t care any more. All I want is you." That statement, "I don’t care anymore" was a hard thing to finally be able to say truthfully, because, honestly, I did care a whole lot. I looked forward to meeting my husband, dating him, and marrying him a lot more than I looked forward to growing closer to and falling more in love with Jesus. However, being able to say, "I don’t care anymore" was the beginning of my freedom.
I finally allowed God to be in control, and it was so rewarding. The relief of letting go and letting God have his way in my life was a beautiful new chapter in my life.